googling it feat. Peyton Kay Davis

from good morning, cruel world by Nico!

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about

a piece about my relationship with mental illness and Google.
Peyton Kay Davis contributed her fabulous guitar skills.

lyrics

during the times i can’t afford therapy
google is my saving grace.

i ask questions like
hey google:
why am i sad
why can’t i sleep
how can i stop
wanting to die

sometimes
it is just the word help
again and again

sometimes, the word
why

sometimes
in all caps
IT HURTS
IT HURTS
IT HURTS

when i type i’m suicidal

google doesn’t respond with:

did you mean: sleep deprived
did you mean: dehydrated
did you mean: spiritually bankrupt
did you mean: you haven’t tried yoga yet?

instead, i find pages and pages
of links, forum threads,
and blog posts, many millions of people
all asking the same questions.

these days, i know no other way
to offer condolences
aside from saying
me too
i feel that too
i’ve been there too
and here i am
still standing here

you can too.

there is nothing quite like
clicking on a suicide note
posted on someone’s blog months ago
only to see they’ve updated recently:
a selfie of their new haircut.
a new favorite song.
a reminder that so many things
continue surviving
even through the moments
they think they’ve given up.

i know that sometimes the suicide note
is the most recent post.

i know we can’t always save each other
with our own sadness.

but i don’t know what i’d do
if i searched the world for my sadness
and found that no one felt it too.

i am learning not to delete
those sad blog posts --
i am learning not to edit
the pain out of my poems --
i am learning not to lie
and say i’m fine all the time.

i’m not fine all the time. for the record,
i’m not fine most of the time.

i am learning to wear my heart on my sleeve
with all of its ticking trauma
so people can look at it
and tell the time
they have is not, is never
limited.

just look for me
on google
look for all the people
that continue to be here
and our suicide notes
buried beneath
our futures.

credits

from good morning, cruel world, released August 1, 2016
Poem -- Nico Wilkinson
Guitar -- Peyton Kay Davis

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about

Nico! Colorado Springs, Colorado

i'm a genderqueer spoken word poet that lives in colorado springs. i write identity stuff, body stuff, brain stuff. i write about the things that make me get out of bed in the morning.